I didn’t want to be merciful

From the desk of Fr. Ignatius Waters, cp

Sunday, 20th November, 2016

We have been talking about the end of The Year of Mercy and the closing of the Doors of Mercy but, from God’s side, they never will. To help us ponder on our side, here are some reflections which are obviously not written by me:

“A few weeks ago my husband and I got into this huge fight. It was a serious fight that lasted for an entire week. I learned quite a lot about mercy in marriage during that week. I don’t know about anyone else, but when I ask God to teach me about something, he doesn’t infuse me with knowledge but gives me plenty of chances to learn and practice at whatever virtue I’m praying for. I asked God to help me be more merciful to those around me. Then this fight happened.

I didn’t want to be merciful. I wanted to be mad, and hurt, and to hold a grudge. I wanted to not like my husband. And believe me, I didn’t like him much throughout the week. But here’s the thing about mercy: nobody deserves it or earns it. I don’t deserve or earn the mercy of God when it comes to my sins and shortcomings, that’s for sure. It is very easy for me to accept the mercy of others when I need it, but the idea of being merciful toward someone who has hurt me? Well, that makes no sense whatsoever! That just seems crazy.

After a week of fighting and apologies on both sides of this fight, I had a choice to make. Either I forgive my husband completely and let it go, or I could hold onto my anger and hurt. I could be merciful or resentful. The choice was very clear to me. It was also very clear that I had absolutely no right to deny him mercy. If I was going to do that, then I needed to accept the fact that I had no right to ever kneel in a confessional again and expect God to forgive me my sins. When that became clear to me, I chose to let it all go. It was by the grace of God that I could just let go of the anger, pain and betrayal that I felt and could look at my husband as a human being who, like me, is trying his best. He isn’t perfect; who is? He will fail; he will fail me, and he will let me down, and I will do all of those things too. I have done it plenty of times and regretted it. He has always accepted my apologies and my attempts to do better. Now I had to do the same.

The moment that I chose mercy, I was freed from all of those other grudges that I had been holding onto for so very long. Spiritually, I felt a million pounds lighter, as though a huge roadblock between God and me had been cleared off the road. My marriage is in a really great place too. My husband and I fell in love all over again for no reason; we just like each other, and we laugh over silly things.  When Pope Francis declared the Year of Mercy, I never would have guessed just how much I needed to learn how to be merciful instead of always receiving it.”

                                         This is something we all need to learn!